Steve Guttenberg

I remember it well. A stormy August night, 1958. The thunderous hum of machinery drowning out the torrential rain on the roof of of my mountain-top laboratory.



After months of careful planning, and nightly trips to the village graveyard, I had assembled the shell for my creation. I waited until just the right moment, then had my assistant Igo.....err....Fred flip the big red lever. What happened after that is the stuff of legends:








And my personal favorite:



While I did invent Steve Guttenberg, I am not responsible for the turds he's continuously churned out over the course of his career. Except for Cocoon, I invented Cocoon...and Jessica Tandy.

Next time on Things "I" Invented: Tax-Free Weekends

WEEKEND SPECIAL - Things I Didn't Invent - Friendship

I didn't invent friendship, as we all know.  Kristina Gage did.

I invented almost everything, but even I have my limits.  

Next weekend on Things I Didn't Invent: Lycra

Igloos

As you all know, Inuit blood rushes through my veins like the mighty Mississippi (is that the mighty one, or the slow muddy one?). It only follows, then, that I would bring my people out of the ice age, and into an ice house.

That's why I invented the Igloo.




The idea came to me when I was drinking a Quiznos strawberry kiwi lemonade. Mesmerized by the floating ice cubes, as I usually am, it suddenly struck me. If one cup could hold 5-8 ice cubes and keep your drink cold, why couldn't 100 or so freekin' huge icecubes be put together. Then you could live inside the icecubes, protecting you from the slightly-colder-than-icecubes arctic wilderness.

After multiple attempts, and the loss of 4 fingers and a nose to frostbite (not to worry, I invented advanced prosthetics as well, you can't even tell the difference) I finally did it.

Igloos!

I'm also working on a new invention, an Igloo spinoff if you will.




It's called an iGloo and it'll be available by Christmas 2010. It only costs $1,000, but the service plan is spotty at best and costs like $100 a month.

Next Time on Things "I" Invented: Spanish

The Internet

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "whoah!"

But it's true. I invented the internet.




After I invented all computers, I realized that they were essentially useless, and just big ugly calculators. I needed a way to get those computers talking to each other, like 6 "friends" that hang around in a coffee shop and share life lessons. Only instead of friends, there would be computers...and instead of 6, there would be 6 billion...and instead of coffee, there would be cups and cups full of fetish websites and beanie-baby auctions...and instead of life lessons, people would share stolen mp3's and pictures of Pamela Anderson's supple breasts (which I also invented, but that's for a later post).

I had a great idea, all I needed were the skills and money to turn it into a great thought.

After I spent all of my skills and money, there it was: The Internet.

Now you're asking yourself: "If you invented the internet, why aren't you a billion-aire with a fancy hat and a flying limousine?"

I'll answer your question with another question: "If you invented the internet, why aren't you a billion-aire with a fancy hat and a flying limousine? Mind your own business!"

Next time on Things "I" Invented: Applesauce

Welcome

Greetings and welcome to Things "I" Invented.

I created this blog to share "my" inventions with the world. I was inspired to create this blog after creating "my" other innumerable blogs, all of which "I" own.

Things you need to know to read further:
-Assume for the purposes of this blog that every time I say "I", I mean I.

-In fact, any time I use any self-referential pronouns like "I" or "me"
or possessive pronouns like "mine", "my", "hers"/"his" that I mean I, me, mine, my, hers, or his respectively.

-"I" have invented or will invent almost everything, but for legal reasons cannot take credit for individually packaged cheese slices or Russia.